maybe we all pretend to be okay

I feel like I’m one of those people whose an enigma without even trying. I’m not trying to say that I’m complicated, or that I have such intense deep thoughts it’s just sometimes I don’t even know who I am or what I’m doing. My actions speak for one moment but the truth in it also lasts for that moment. I’m going to attempt and understand, depict and describe myself in this blog post. No seriously.

I’m so damn self-deprecating towards myself. There. I said it. I think the worst of myself in every situation, and by no means do I envy people I just genuinely think I’m not very good at anything b’cos there’s so much potential I see in people that I can’t seem to find in myself no matter how hard I dig. Take for example, why do I still not have a job now? I’m pretty ugly but I honestly don’t think I’m so fugly that no one would w’na hire me (cus trust me, I’ve seen mad fugly people get jobs at places where looks seemed to be the only thing keeping the place alive). Um, I can talk? The only language barrier I have is my mother tongue – mandarin but even so, it’s not something that truly hinders my job prospects. Everyday I see people who have far worse communication skills than me, look uglier than me (I’m sorry but there will always be ugly and than uglier people, likewise pretty and prettier people – deal with it) and look like they shouldn’t even deserve the job but yet they do have one.

My mind’s in a constant state of change. I’ve met people who seem to have this fixed opinion of people in general like ‘Oh she’s a bitch’ and that’s plastered in their head, thoughts and opinions forever. I can’t do that. I get a feeling my brain changes at the same speed as the world I’m in, some people’s thoughts are still stuck in 1980′s y’do know that right? Apart from that, I’m a secret die-hard optimist. It’s so bad, I can be the biggest mofo slut in the world out there but I will still strive to see the world in sunshine every day.

It could probably be attributed to all the good shows I rub that off from, notably Hellcats & Gossip Girl. Taught me so much about love, courage & true optimism. Still, way before that, I just couldn’t stand wallowing in self-misery. I don’t think anyone does, but some people just enjoy that kind of thought-process. Yuck.

Okay this whole rambling doesn’t even make shit sense. I’m gg to head out now & I’ll update soon.

School starts tomorrow, schedule’s so bad but I’m looking forward to all the assignments/proj’s/& new modules hehehehehe :) At least now I won’t be bored/tired for no reason.

TLC&XOXO