i’m my worst nightmare my biggest disappointment

So I’ve accepted that every few months when I have too much going on in my head I’m going to come here and spill it all out b’cos I feel like this place makes me feel me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but one day it will. I’ve been having The Script on replay since April, or maybe May but I don’t think it’s the song that I’m talking about – more like the feelings, the lyrics, the whole scenario playing in my head.

I’m thinking about everything right now. About you, about E, about the past, about everything I’ve walked away from and if it was even worth it. I’ve tasted and spit out so much of life but you still taste the best out of all. I don’t know how I’m allowing you do this to me, we’ve known each other for maybe a maximum of 3 months? but you’ve been doing nothing but control my heart strings since that night. I don’t even know how to move on anymore. I feel like I’m finally tasting it – the meltdown, the breakdown, the emptiness, the fear, the crying, the pain, the hurt. Everything that I told myself I’d stop feeling, I’m just having it pour down on my soul right now.

No words can solace me. Anyone and everyone’s whose here right now can’t seem to understand what I’m feeling. They can’t push my buttons like you do, can’t make me stop everything like you, can’t make me smile with the silliest things you do, can’t make me sacrifice time for them like you do to me. I hate that your not here. I hate that you might just be my karma for playing all those guys before you. I hate that God might have just sent you but b’cos I messed up so much along the way He decided you weren’t good enough for me. I hate that all I can do every night is sit here and feel the pain in my heart grow stronger and deeper. I hate that I’m just allowing myself to wallow in self misery.

I can’t even look at a guy properly now without seeing you in him. I can’t even have emotional talks with anyone else except you, because the only  i love you‘s I want to hear are from you. It doesn’t matter who I kiss, who I lie on the bed with, who I laugh, who I date, who I take pictures with – they’re all not you. Isn’t it funny how I let the most inconsequential short-term people have the biggest impact on my life? When infact I probably meant nothing to you. Nothing.

I mean everything to Jeremy but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t you. I’m not yours. Some other girl in this world is going to have you and I’m just expected to sit here and pretend that it’s okay, that I gave you up without a fight – that I’m here writing all of this while your out there living, breathing, smiling, having that life you wanted.

I’ll be alright though. I know that I’m going to be a kickass motherfucker and eventually marry some kickass awesome guy and never have kids but for right now, while I’m still 20, while I still feel young and foolish – you mean the world to me and I wish you’d just drop by and say ‘I miss you’ because I’d stay with you. I’d stay because you were the only thing right that was going for me.

x i miss you L