like an indian summer in the middle of winter

i’m my worst nightmare my biggest disappointment

Nicolette Givry — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 18:51:20 +0000

So I’ve accepted that every few months when I have too much going on in my head I’m going to come here and spill it all out b’cos I feel like this place makes me feel me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but one day it will. I’ve been having The Script on replay since April, or maybe May but I don’t think it’s the song that I’m talking about – more like the feelings, the lyrics, the whole scenario playing in my head.

I’m thinking about everything right now. About you, about E, about the past, about everything I’ve walked away from and if it was even worth it. I’ve tasted and spit out so much of life but you still taste the best out of all. I don’t know how I’m allowing you do this to me, we’ve known each other for maybe a maximum of 3 months? but you’ve been doing nothing but control my heart strings since that night. I don’t even know how to move on anymore. I feel like I’m finally tasting it – the meltdown, the breakdown, the emptiness, the fear, the crying, the pain, the hurt. Everything that I told myself I’d stop feeling, I’m just having it pour down on my soul right now.

No words can solace me. Anyone and everyone’s whose here right now can’t seem to understand what I’m feeling. They can’t push my buttons like you do, can’t make me stop everything like you, can’t make me smile with the silliest things you do, can’t make me sacrifice time for them like you do to me. I hate that your not here. I hate that you might just be my karma for playing all those guys before you. I hate that God might have just sent you but b’cos I messed up so much along the way He decided you weren’t good enough for me. I hate that all I can do every night is sit here and feel the pain in my heart grow stronger and deeper. I hate that I’m just allowing myself to wallow in self misery.

I can’t even look at a guy properly now without seeing you in him. I can’t even have emotional talks with anyone else except you, because the only i love you‘s I want to hear are from you. It doesn’t matter who I kiss, who I lie on the bed with, who I laugh, who I date, who I take pictures with – they’re all not you. Isn’t it funny how I let the most inconsequential short-term people have the biggest impact on my life? When infact I probably meant nothing to you. Nothing.

I mean everything to Jeremy but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t you. I’m not yours. Some other girl in this world is going to have you and I’m just expected to sit here and pretend that it’s okay, that I gave you up without a fight – that I’m here writing all of this while your out there living, breathing, smiling, having that life you wanted.

I’ll be alright though. I know that I’m going to be a kickass motherfucker and eventually marry some kickass awesome guy and never have kids but for right now, while I’m still 20, while I still feel young and foolish – you mean the world to me and I wish you’d just drop by and say ‘I miss you’ because I’d stay with you. I’d stay because you were the only thing right that was going for me.

x i miss you L

maybe we all pretend to be okay

Nicolette Givry — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 08:37:49 +0000

I feel like I’m one of those people whose an enigma without even trying. I’m not trying to say that I’m complicated, or that I have such intense deep thoughts it’s just sometimes I don’t even know who I am or what I’m doing. My actions speak for one moment but the truth in it also lasts for that moment. I’m going to attempt and understand, depict and describe myself in this blog post. No seriously.

I’m so damn self-deprecating towards myself. There. I said it. I think the worst of myself in every situation, and by no means do I envy people I just genuinely think I’m not very good at anything b’cos there’s so much potential I see in people that I can’t seem to find in myself no matter how hard I dig. Take for example, why do I still not have a job now? I’m pretty ugly but I honestly don’t think I’m so fugly that no one would w’na hire me (cus trust me, I’ve seen mad fugly people get jobs at places where looks seemed to be the only thing keeping the place alive). Um, I can talk? The only language barrier I have is my mother tongue – mandarin but even so, it’s not something that truly hinders my job prospects. Everyday I see people who have far worse communication skills than me, look uglier than me (I’m sorry but there will always be ugly and than uglier people, likewise pretty and prettier people – deal with it) and look like they shouldn’t even deserve the job but yet they do have one.

My mind’s in a constant state of change. I’ve met people who seem to have this fixed opinion of people in general like ‘Oh she’s a bitch’ and that’s plastered in their head, thoughts and opinions forever. I can’t do that. I get a feeling my brain changes at the same speed as the world I’m in, some people’s thoughts are still stuck in 1980′s y’do know that right? Apart from that, I’m a secret die-hard optimist. It’s so bad, I can be the biggest mofo slut in the world out there but I will still strive to see the world in sunshine every day.

It could probably be attributed to all the good shows I rub that off from, notably Hellcats & Gossip Girl. Taught me so much about love, courage & true optimism. Still, way before that, I just couldn’t stand wallowing in self-misery. I don’t think anyone does, but some people just enjoy that kind of thought-process. Yuck.

Okay this whole rambling doesn’t even make shit sense. I’m gg to head out now & I’ll update soon.

School starts tomorrow, schedule’s so bad but I’m looking forward to all the assignments/proj’s/& new modules hehehehehe :) At least now I won’t be bored/tired for no reason.

TLC&XOXO

ho ho ho, with so much unintentional puns included

Nicolette Givry — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 12:16:59 +0000

OhmyGod it is finally Christmas. I’ve been hiatus on this space for a few months/more than that already? This is really something. Not much, well, alot has happened and to say it was a disaster would be an understatement but to say it was a failure would also be pretty mean – It’s like popeye’s mash potatoes – very delicious to think back on but not healthy to depend on. That was probably t worst analogy of my life. Ever. Will try to live past that anyhow.

But yes, exams came like the red sea in full force with great havoc and for a few days I almost thought I was never going to survive it than it passed, followed by crappy makeup classes (aka detention) @ school for all those Sat lessons I missed out. So horrible. I still have two more left but that’s next week. Christmas Eve also came, drank some bailey’s had brownies a8 pasta & mussels (which were incredibly deliciously yum) & whiled t night away a little too simply. I overslept Christmas morning, no idea why but this year – strange as it is going to sound – felt like Christmas for 11 months.

There was SO MUCH waking up at abnormal hours in t morning, rushing for ‘presents’ like homework assignments and late slips, there was also an insane amount of excitement/fear for group projections & presentations, for finishing up restaurant term @ t sch (that shit is over, finally), there was also love that was going all around with friends, new friends, strangers, familiarity & so many other Christmas-ey vibes. All in all, I felt that this year was so ‘exciting’ that when Christmas finally arrived all I wanted t do was spend it @ home with t ‘rents, just enjoying t Christmas air while it lasted.

Maybe this is what ‘growing old’ people do, or mebbe it’s just me. Either way, it was a very brilliant Christmas. Not much presents yet, except t M from Mother & rock candy from Jer. It’s okay. Very well, I, we, will all resort to receiving tacky christmas cards with pre-written words and already-gift-wrapped presents from departmental stores & all-that-grown-up-places.

It’s noice. Very noice.

Happy holidays while it lasts,

Cheers to the new year & new beginnings!

i live in the most non likely to get exciting country in the world

Nicolette Givry — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 09:05:50 +0000

see, if we lived in a country that had amazing stuff such as this I wouldn’t have to resort to retarded methods such as exclaiming about my boredom ruefully, and going to school dreadfully everyday because Singapore hardly ever gets exciting. (We wait all year to dance wildly at a beach party at Sentosa, dude that is not cool)

if singapore ever brings shizz like this, or if, we had like fields of sunflowers and cold weather and, cultural festivals – going to school everyday would be an exciting thing.

++ it’d also be pretty awesome if they implemented more fun stuff at school like huge red lockers, and interactive lectures and key a notch down on the dresscode rules. Some uni’s in singapore are floatin’ towards there, but do we really have t’go through shit life in elementary, high school, college and than finally taste freedom in uni?

please, we can do better than that!

life won’t wait for you anymore

Nicolette Givry — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 15:44:47 +0000

It feels kind of chaotic right now, my mind’s always in a jumble as-of-late (or mobbed just recently, I’m realizing how my mind is never in one place at one time) and it’s been increasing as life has been throwing tumultuous rocks at me. Projects are piling up by the minutes, I feel the productivity bug in me spurring but I always have that feeling that I’m not doing good enough.

It sucks big time >: I wanna like g’out and party and enjoy life, get a drink, sit and just chillax the night away y’know? but a part of me always screams ‘no y’shouldnt cos …. blah blah blah’ there’s always endless righteous reasons to why I shouldn’t do a lot of things.

I don’t want to live till 30 ++ & realize that I’ve never lived my life to the fullest. At the time time, I don’t want t’live till 30, look back, and realize that my life’s one big shitty mess. How dyu balance life and partying, and following God all at t’same time while trying to grow up and make the right choices in life?

I know I’m not perfect, but, i use that as an excuse t’much to be such an asshole sometimes. I think, i just need a holiday to wash away all these thoughts.

Or mobbed more tumblr’ing? Hehehehe so addictive.

Damn.